what to do when someone falls in love with you
and its not exactly mutual
People definitely fall in love with me, and I’m not saying that to be cocky, but it’s just something I noticed. Thankfully it’s not the kind of falling in love that seems painful to the other person- the kind of falling in love that makes someone gotta have the other. I don’t remember ever blatantly telling someone I wasn’t in love with them, I think my communication style makes these things pretty obvious.
There are plenty of people though who are often the objects of desire- y’all know who you are. Y’all are the kind of conventionally good looking guy, gal or them who the second you show a little kindness or special care to a friend or acquaintance, or even a kind smile at a bar, someone has fallen in love. You’ve got that magnetism about ya.
This post is for you <3
Being the object of someone’s desire and affection when the feelings or not reciprocated can be extremely challenging, especially if you are not good with boundaries: the basics of saying yes when it feels like a yes, and no when it doesn’t can be difficult to navigate when we know how much we mean to people. Some of us just really hate disappointing others, and even more so when we care about the person and know that they care about us. Remember this though, y’all: just because someone loves us, that doesn’t mean we can’t tell them no. In fact, if they really love us, then they should be excited that we are sharing our truth with them, even if it causes them disappointment. So stop “being nice” and just tell the truth. Sharing the truth about our feelings in relationship, both the wanted and unwanted feelings, are essential for getting deeper and deeper into connection.
So then, what do we do when someone falls in love with us and the feelings are not mutual.
If you sense that something is going on and the other person hasn’t said anything yet, set up the right place and right time and invite a conversation about the relationship. Share exactly how you feel and invite the other person to share as well. Listen deeply. Share honestly. Forget about the fear of disappointing them. Give the other person an opportunity to listen to your truth and your feelings. Their feelings might be bigger than yours but that doesn’t make them more important.
Try to understand what needs or desires this other person wants you to meet. Do they want sex? Activities other than sex? More one-on-one time? Consider what you are available for and what you are not. If they need more intimate touch, are you willing to engage with them in that? I love the 3-minute game for this. Feel free to design a future together that works for both of you. Also, if there is no possibility of sex or romance in the future, do not maintain any hope of that.
If the person is really hurt and disappointed after this truth-telling, give them space to grieve the fantasy they concocted in their mind about what was possible between you two. Let them determine the terms of y’all’s relationship for a while.
Don’t wait for someone to fall in love before having a conversation with your friends about your feelings. Normalize dropping in, babe. Through sharing our feelings, we also give them the opportunity to see the light of day and breathe and evolve more quickly. If the friend really does love you and care for you, they will respect your preferences and not make you wrong for how you feel.
As always, let me know how this resonates with ya!
With love, con amore.
Summer