In the excerpt below, I write about how in March of 2017 I randomly ran into these film production guys who went to my university, who later became the first production people that I worked with on the project that became Summer Within.
Suddenly needing to step into a dominant role about something I knew very little about was NOT something that I felt ready for. This entry shows how even at the very beginning of the filmmaking process, I was unequivocally challenged and transformed.
December 2018
By virtue of divine intervention, grandmistress Universal Plan, the great optimizer, or plain old coincidence, I ran into twin brothers that I went to the University of Miami with, and that I knew from a distance because of their prominence within the gay community at the college. We had spent very little, if any time in the same spaces, but I knew their very faces: extremely similar to one another.
I saw John outside the Staten Island ferry, right around the time when I started shooting for the film. We exchanged phone numbers, attempted to meet up once or twice at some Gay House Music party. Since I was living in Harlem at that time, I was not so interested in making the trek out to Brooklyn to dance with gay men. (I also might have been busy that night.) Anyways, I learned in this conversation with John that he and his brother Paul had been working in film production in LA and were just getting settled into NYC life and working on some film projects. He told me that he might be interested in collaborating with me and shooting a teaser for Summer Within. The conversation ended with both of us smiling, but really did not progress until weeks later, when I ran into John’s brother Paul as I was grabbing a juice in the West Village. We caught each other’s eye and he came in to say hello, and we talked and made a plan to get together and shoot. I remember being amazed by the serendipity of running into the twin brothers in separate places and times in this gigantic city… and feeling so ready I was to actually shoot something with people who know how to shoot and have the right equipment! (Before this, Vitaly and I were working with a smart phone and were not doing any high level stuff.)
Great! Wonderful! People to shoot my film. Yay. But wait…
What are they going to shoot, exactly?And, do I have to be one to tell them?
These chiseled blonde gay twin hunks who look like Bruce Weber proteges- professionals in the film production world- are now going to ask me what I want them to do and they are going to… just do it? I have to tell THEM what to do?
I need my film made, and I need them to shoot it. But I also need them to like me…
So how I can make people like me by telling them what to do?
This is the essence of leadership I suppose. This question is actually quite important because it removes the idea that I have to get people to like me by allowing them to be in control all the time. It allows roles to be flexible and change. Being more comfortable with telling people what to do I guess is what I am working on. But the major challenge that I keep coming up against inside of this process of directing and acting is that I really just do not know the answer a lot of the time! Because there are so many options and because of my lack of experience it’s difficult for me to weigh. Anyways, wah wah wah.
Anyways so these brothers have agreed to come to my house and shoot me and I have no idea what to tell them to do. I maybe had a faint idea of what I wanted but I needed someone to help me create what I learned from google was a “storyboard” - basically, a sequence of the shots that I want to get. Well, I can’t draw, and had no vision, so I called my friend Mirham in a panic. Mirham is one of those friends that has studied everything and knows everything and therefore can fix anything. When I whined to her about my conundrum, she interrupted me to tell me to come over immediately and shut up so she could help me.
So I went to her house and we sat down together while she started effortlessly sketching the so-called storyboard. She drew the video: scene by scene, explaining in no uncertain terms what shots we needed to get. I left her so full of gratitude, but also, still, scared out of my mind about what the professional film hunks would think about me and my ignorance. I wouldn’t DARE tell them how little I knew. I was determined to maintain a professional facade- to convey an air of experience and decisiveness. A funny example: whenever referring to Mirham, I always called her my producer, because it gave the illusion of me actually having a team that was really out there making things happen.
Anyways, so one of the shots that Mirham had suggested was me inside of a bathtub, totally naked. This was the first shot I had us do. I was like, well I’m going to lean into vulnerability if I want to have a successful shoot. So I challenged myself to let the first thing we did that day be of me completely nude. I remember deciding that if I can be naked physically right away, this can open me up to be naked emotionally as well. As the process unfolded, one shot and then the next, I became more comfortable with the dynamics of telling these experienced film hotties what to do. Their appearances, their physical shells- while they were incredibly beautiful to behold- melted away in significance as their diligent, humble, quiet voices became the true channel of how I got to know them.
… It was these two new friends that I felt safe enough with to wear that white frilly skirt and dance in the middle of the basketball court, on display to all the neighborhood boys that were hanging out that day. With them I could feel held and affirmed. They were willing to be with me regardless of what verbal violence might occur, meant so much more than the beautiful footage we were actually able to capture. They supported me, worked so well together as partners, and engulfed me into their harmonious brotherhood. They were with me. They were with me on that part of my journey.
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