A WHOLE New World

queer electronic music festival

It’s Friday night at WHOLE Festival and I’m at the Forest Stage, the most distant of 5 different stages playing electronic music of all different kinds, from DJs all around the world. The sun has dipped below the tree line and the neon, sparkles, and glistening sweat on all of the bopping and beating bodies seems to shine just a little bit brighter, as if the sequins and glitter had absorbed the sunlight during the day and now were beginning to glow in the nearing darkness.

I’m feeling a sense of relief and at-home-ness, as my travel week included a 26-hour flight from Australia to Paris, a visit to the Olympics, and then a 1.5 hour flight to Berlin, a night staying with a random (but very sweet) someone I met in a group chat, and then another multi-hour ordeal to get to the festival and get my tent set up. The amount of time and energy I put in to be on the dance floor at this time has finally paid off, and I can allow the effort to roll off of me as these incessant beats move me without needing to think or plan. A deep vibration of relief exits my chest in the form of a sigh as my bare feet stomp the moist sand beneath my feet.

I’ve arrived.

I see everyone and I am also not looking for anything or anyone, I’m content and I make sure the dancers in my immediate proximity know that. We’re here together, so let’s gooooooooooo. My body follows the intensification of the beats and I become more wild and more erratic, and then more grounded and contained. The work of the DJ is knowing how to create the waves for us to surf on.

I look into the expanse of the crowd and I see a familiar blonde head with hair sticking straight up. As my eyes journey downward to his eyes, I recognize the face, but from where doesn’t click right away. My eyes go to the left and I see darling Sean, a fellow Italian queer that I bonded with in Australia. My heart explodes instantly and my face lifts into a smile. Sean starts walking toward me with the blonde spike and I realize that the blonde spike is another Aussie that I have only connected with on WhatsApp through a mutual friend. I remember that one day when I was lonely in Australia I sent him erotic poetry that I had written and he said he liked it. The two Aussies approach me and we are all very gay and happy to see each other. Still bopping.

We embrace all together and celebrate the moment. The blond spike and I am surprised because actually his personality and voice is exactly as I had pictured it. I notice that my awareness of the party goes from 360 degrees to about 90. I find myself captivated as the other 270 degrees of party fade into a colorful blur. Our hands have found on each other’s bodies and are eyes are together. We keep the beat with our bodies moving as one.

The kisses that happen feel tuned in correct for the connection. They’re soft and sensitive, almost diagnostic. It feels new and familiar at the same time. And in this embrace I find myself releasing further into the earth, into the beat, into his arms. I’ve transitioned from being a raw nerve exposed to all the elements, to suddenly inside of a soft, supple erotic container.

I enjoy the peaceful calm of this mini container for a while and then blond spike has to pee. I felt so connected to this person who I had never met before these last few moments and could have stayed with him for days. But I knew that holding on, especially in this context, is not the answer.

I had to make a decision about my intentions.

Do I try to hold onto this delicious feeling I am having? Or can I let it go and see what happens next?

Do I effort to create an experience for myself that looks a certain way? Or do I just determine to have the best time no matter what it looks like?

In parting ways with one of the first people I had a strong connection with, I chose the latter. And I kept on choosing to follow what inside of me felt like the most aligned option. The least enjoyable moments that I experienced at WHOLE were when I was trying to find something or someone specific. The most enjoyable moments were when I became present with who and with what were around me and discovered what was there, either in the constant evolution that is electronic music or inside of the treasures that are humans with open hearts.

The vibe of #looking at a Festival like WHOLE is ridiculous because I didn’t find that I needed to actively look for anything. All different kinds of encounters: intimate, sexual, playful occurred effortlessly because I was present. There was a very complete schedule of performances and DJs that you could access on the WHOLE App, but since I didn’t know a large majority of the DJs it didn’t matter to me who was playing where. Wherever I went, that’s just where I was and it was usually fucking fierce! Until it wasn’t and then I moved on.

WHOLE Festival was a playground in exploring how I want to live my life. I flew solo for most of the time, but I was rarely alone. Every human around me was my friend, and in my open state I found that I was able to find that feeling of friendship and love so easily. At one point on Saturday at the Beach Stage, I was on the dancefloor with cutie Frenchie that I had been with for a while and had the need to just fly away. I didn’t want to say anything to ruin the moment and I didn’t want to feel like I needed to ask his permission to part ways. So I just floated away a bit and as soon as I got far enough away, I darted into a cute sitting area where two beauties were cuddling. Their cuteness endeared me instantly, so I sat down next to them and, not being able to contain the story of how ridiculous I just was, I shared how relieved I felt to be free again.

We got a really good laugh out of my performative storytelling and when that wave died down, I moved to yet another dance floor. Those two cuddlers could have been my best friends in the world, how I felt about them right then and there. I could have told them anything. The intimacy and trust between us was just there. The separation between Self and other that I maintain, usually out of fear had completely broken down and I could just be present. I can be me, in all of my complexity. I can laugh about it. I can be witnessed. I can bear witness.

What a fucking relief.

With love,

con amore

Summer